Wednesday Duologues: Ashley Willard

Ashley Willard.  Editor and co-founder of Boston Band Crush, arguably the online lifeline & loveline of the Boston music scene.  And I got to spend the afternoon chatting with her!  But you can eavesdrop.

Prologue:  

me: bah.  i won't bore you with tales of my workday. but i will apologize.
is now good?
Ashley: hi!

sure!

i mean if you can't it's ok

we can do it 'nother time

me: no way, now's great for me!

just let me take a deep drag, i mean sip of coffee.

almost 2 years since i quit smoking, in fact.

okay ready?

Ashley: gun it

me: who are you?

Ashley: where am i?

it's me ashley!

me: ha

hi!

Ashley: hi!

tell me when it starts

haha just kidding

you keep entering text and then deleting it

i see you doing that

me: okay, let me go back a few minutes and say "nnnnnNOW"

Ashley: GO!

ha

me: okay you're ashley.

Ashley: yep

me: how are you, anyway?

Ashley: i'm good

i'm having one of those wonky days

where you just kind of feel off

i'm really terrible at mornings, you see

so the fact that i have to make important decisions early in the morning is very detrimental

like:

oh yes this outfit definitely goes together

or, hey that's a great hairdo

those kinds of things

i shouldn't be trusted with them before mid-to-late afternoon

anyway

how are you?

me: i totally understand that. sometimes i think i should have someone around to veto decisions like that when necessary, before i leave the house.

but i actually really can't stand having anyone tell me what's cool and not cool to wear.

so that person would probably get fired really quickly.

y'know, i haven't really been sleeping since there was that stabbing in my neighborhood.

Ashley: OMG

me: it might make for some pretty interesting questions today.

Ashley: that's right

because you and mark (aka not brandon) live together

right?

me: right

Ashley: he posted about that

i saw that

me: wait, why would i live with brandon? or, are mark and brandon interchangeable?

Ashley: oh you haven't heard the story

i told aaron the story

me: i actually live under a rock

Ashley: and then explained it to mark and brandon i think, after i called brandon mark at one night band

see

remember how we didn't know each other until somewhat recently?

me: lemme think back...

yes

Ashley: i had seen this blue heaven play a few times before i knew any of you personally

and i'd blogged about you

and probably was facebook friends with a few of you

so, before i got to really know any of you personally, i knew your names

but somehow always thought brandon was the bassist and mark was the drummer

it was just in my head that way

and now all these months later, my brain sometimes reverts to that

even though i know very well which one is which

so at one night band, i start introducing the bedss, with whom brandon played drums, and i gushed on and on about how much of a life save mark desrosiers was for filling in the day before AND backlining his drums

and i wasn't even drunk yet

really

well

me: bah ha ha

Ashley: a little

me: did brandon interrupt you?

to correct you?

Ashley: kerri [OF APPLE BETTY WITH WHOM TBH WILL BE PLAYING ON 9/9 AT TT'S!] flagged me down

i had a microphone

so whether people were trying to correct me or not, i probably wouldn't have heard them

but kerri was on stage with me and she saved the day

me: nice

Ashley: it was how do you say embarrassing

it's a good thing those two guys are so nice and forgiving

me: that's awesome... i can't believe i missed it.

Ashley: yeah

i know

me: i think they were mostly stoked to be a part of it.

Ashley: i'm planning on moving one night band into september going forward

after two years the one thing i've learned is that a lot of people go away in august

this is something i hadn't thought of because i never go on vacation

me: never?

Ashley: [segway into next topic]

actually,

i think i'm going to montreal in october!

if i can get my passport in time

me: what's in montreal?

Ashley: french things

i hear

i've never been

me: so you're going for the french things?

Ashley: justin and i were talking this morning about how we need to get away

you know justin yes?

me: yes

Ashley: so we were talking about how we're both incredibly burnt out

and he said let's get away

and i said ok!

which is a big step for me

like, to let myself off the hook

and just go relax

me: because you never go on vacation...

Ashley: right

i never do things just for myself

cause i'm such a caretaker type

i'm always looking out for everyone else

and putting them before me

so this is good

i might even leave the laptop at home

me: good for you!

Ashley: the hotel we're going to has a heated pool

me: leaving the electronics behind is serious. and good.

Ashley: yeah, the internet's been getting me down lately

me: do you ever get the clicks?

Ashley: the clicks?

me: i think it's related to compulsive channel-surfing

sometimes on a boring afternoon i get the clicks - where i just keep refreshing FB or revisiting sites i forgot i already checked that day.

Ashley: where you refresh facebook all day?

ha

yes

all the time

not to mention that i can't separate myself from my goddamn iphone

this is what i mean when i say the internet's been getting me down lately

more specifically, it's my addiction to the internet

or reliance on

or whatever

me: right. i can never quite put my finger on what is so compelling.

Ashley: i don't want to know every little thing that everyone is thinking anymore!

me: right. it gets overwhelming.

Ashley: totally

of course

the internet is essentially what pays my bills

me: :)

Ashley: and that's not even accounting for the blog

so

me: well everyone's job/employer gets them down

Ashley: what would i do without it?

me: maybe this is a fun question to pose, then:

Ashley: i suppose i'd go outside a lot more

me: describe your perfect scene of solitude.

Ashley: oof

total solitude?

just me alone?

me: you could have a cat, maybe.

Ashley: oh good

my cat rules

(hi dummy!)

huh, i think one of my favorite things to do is swim

or be in water

it's something where you are totally alone inside your own head

you can't have conversations when you're under water

you definitely can bring an iphone

it's such a serene and tranquil feeling

although

i don't think i should bring the cat anymore

me: ha

probably not

what's your favorite kind of water?

er, body of water

Ashley: ahahaha

i thought you'd gone a little cuckoo there

hmm

well

me: (don't rule out cuckoo just yet)

Ashley: (back atcha)

i don't get to swim in natural bodies of water very often

i go to a pool

i'm very much not a beach person, so we'll say not ocean

i guess having grown up in the mountains i'd have to say a nice swimming hole in a river

there was one where i grew up that we called flat rocks

it was very calm and clear

we don't have anything like that in eastie

me: that sounds amazing. i think the best swim of my life was in the mountains. where did you grow up?

Ashley: i split time between waterville valley, nh and marblehead, ma

mom & stepdad lived in nh and i lived with them, went to school there, etc.

but visited dad & stepmom in marblehead regularly, went to summer camp there, etc.

so i had the best of both

mountains & oceans

me: even though you don't like the beach :)

are you an oldest child?

Ashley: i like the ocean, and my dad's a boat guy, so i grew up on boats

i don't think of marblehead as a beach town but i guess it kinda is

we had a private beach but it was all rocky, not sandy

i used to collect seaglass and shells and stuff and then i'd sell them

like a lemonade stand

actually i think we sold lemonade too

seashells and lemonade

anyway... you moved on and i didn't

me: that might be the most romantic scene, ever.

please feel free to linger.

i would.

Ashley: i am the only child of my mother and father

they split up when i was like 1

my father remarried first when i was 5, then had two sons with my stepmother

= my half-brothers ben & nate

and my mother remarried the following year

my stepfather had a daughter from his first marriage = my step-sister christine

me: i was thinking about what you said about caretaking earlier when i asked whether you were an oldest child...

Ashley: ah

me: to the extent that i'm a caretaker (and i've tried to learn to curb that) it's because i'm an oldest.

Ashley: i never lived in the same household with any of them

well

not never, but not for long with any of them

my sister lived with us for like two years

she was 16-17, i was 8-9

she scared me

and then i lived with my dad & the roost for a year just out of college

i was working for the boston phoenix and couldn't afford to live on my own

so sad

there's no money in the things i wanted to do

me: i wonder if there's money in any of the things people actually want to do.

are you doing what you want?

* * *

Ashley: wow!

power failure!

sorry!

the whole building just went down

back up now

me: really? that's exciting!

Ashley: that was bizarre

i know!

probably the most exciting thing that'll happen to me this workday

me: did you hear it all go quiet?

Ashley: yep

me: i love that.

Ashley: quiet and dark

except for the gasps across the floor

i work in a cubicle jungle

me: mm

Ashley: am i doing what i want?

no

i don't think so

i wrestle with this all the time

i am a graphic designer

but the funny thing is, i have never studied graphic design

i went to school for journalism

so in terms of the blog, yes, i'm doing what i want to be doing

now if only that was a viable way to make a living

i do like design, and i can't imagine being in a non-creative field

but i'm a stranger in a strange land at my current job

i have nothing in common with anyone

they don't get me, i don't get them

we try to coexist

but it's definitely a weird fit

me: i understand. bleh. so... what about musicians? are we your people?

Ashley: yeah

obv

me: actually i still don't feel 100% honest calling myself a musician. saying "we" there. funny.

Ashley: i still think it's funny to call myself one too

even though i own instruments and have played in, what, like 6 bands now

i still don't know what the heck i'm doing

me: right. i've played instruments and sung my whole life, but i still feel like kind of a visitor.

Ashley: totally!

me too

we'll get over it

but yes, musicians and creatives are generally my people

jocks = not my people

jocks = who i work with

i work for a major athletic company so

yeah

me: heh. my first creative writing class was the one time in my life i felt like "ohhhh YOU get me."

oh wow.

i see.

Ashley: there's just something about artists

we have a certain kind of soul

hmm

how do i say

me: the kind of soul that doesn't keep still or silent.

Ashley: it's just an energy, a certain kind of passion

me: or out of the action.

Ashley: to me we're very exciting and they're very flat

to them, we're cuckoo

i'm sure

they're linear, we're all shapy

they do things on a grid, we break the grid

to use a design analogy

anyway

yes

it's just kind of like i don't really speak the same language as the people i work with

me: that can be really lonely.

so your dream job.

what would that be?

Ashley: it's very lonely!

duncan wilder johnson works here

in a separate department though

i never really see him

but like, he's the only one of my people that i know here

well actually eric schmider from the one smith works here too

but i never see him either

anyway

my dream job

if i knew the answer to that i guess i'd be doing something to get there

sometimes i think i should go back to school for design, like learn the stuff i never did

plus the newer technology

and sometimes i think i should look for work doing more editorial/writing stuff

now that i have the blog to show for myself

me: what are you most passionate about?

Ashley: sometimes i think event planning would be fun

but it's very stressful too

me: i do some of that as part of my job.

Ashley: there's very little stress in sitting in a cubicle with hardly any work to do

most passionate about?

me: i find it really stressful.

yes

Ashley: music

despite not being a real musician

i'm passionate about it as a listener and experiencer

me: do you remember your first real, like... encounter with music?

Ashley: huh

well let's see

Ashley: depends on how i interpret the question

Ashley: i mean

i remember my first records and cassettes

i remember loving madonna, heart, cyndi lauper, depeche mode

culture club

tears for fears

like, in first grade

me: how were you exposed to all of that so young?

Ashley: i remember always really loving being in the school concerts and plays and stuff

even as early as nursery school

and, i have no idea!

how i found that particular music

because it certainly wasn't what my parents listened to

me: right

Ashley: my mother was always listening to things like boz scaggs and crystal gayle and juice newton

so it probably came more from my father

me: my mother loved crystal gayle.

Ashley: i do remember sort of discovering his vinyl collection

he had good taste

lots of stones, blondie, csny, stuff like that

me: ahh, nice

Ashley: christopher cross

ha

that green record

oh and fleetwood mac!

lots of fleetwood mac

but how i fell in love with music so young, i have no idea

i can recall that as i got a little older, like 8 or so, the year that my mother & stepfather & i moved to nh

my mother went to work for the first time in my life

so i'd come home after school and be alone for a long time

and i didn't make friends right away when we moved

so my best friend was mtv

like for serious

i came home after school and watched mtv for hours

me: well there you go.

and there were videos on mtv back then.

Ashley: a lot of them!

all day long!

so yeah, that's what locked it in

but strangely i never really got into playing music as a kid

like, i took several years of piano lessons

so at least i have that foundation and can read music and stuff

but i once begged for a guitar, so my parents got me this little white kid-sized electric guitar

and i took like 2 lessons

was like "this shit is HARD"

and never really touched it again

you know, cause i wanted to come out of the gate playing like C.C. Deville or someone

me: right

Ashley: (i'm sure he was one of my idols around this time)

me: but the good guitar players spend their entire adolescent lives in their rooms practicing.

Ashley: which i wish i'd been encouraged to do

not necessarily with guitar, just with music

my parents were so lax with me

which was awesome at the time

i used to think my friends' strict parents were the worst

but man i coulda used a little discipline!

instead i spent my 20s f*cking up and figuring things out

me: heh - i'm still working on that.

did i just give away my age?

anyway.

what did you learn?

Ashley: in my 20s?

me: right

Ashley: well

i think i learned (eventually) to like myself

that was big

i used to be so shy!

believe it or not

me: huh!

Ashley: i think i learned not to panic

eventually

mostly i learned about myself

like who i was, who i wanted to be

i learned not to settle for something that isn't quite what i want

me: that's a good one.

Ashley: yes, well that was the hardest lesson of all

me: it's really hard because you have to be able to distinguish between the things you need, the things that you only think you want or want for reasons that aren't really true to you, the things that you feel like you should want... etc. etc.

what do we have to settle for?

if we aren't doing what we want to be doing but it's how we eat...

Ashley: right

me: or pays for doctor appointments

what do you know for sure?

Ashley: is that rhetorical or are you really asking?

me: i'm really asking. what's one thing you know for sure?

Ashley: that none of it will matter in the long run as much as we think it does today

me: because?

Ashley: because it's all temporary

we're just a blip in the universe's

urm

universe?

but like

to quote blues traveler, which i hate to do, but this song always stuck with me:

it won't mean a thing in a hundred years

we'll be gone and the next ones will be here sorting out their problems and challenges as if they're the most important thing

but they're not

as we're not

so just try to have fun

and not take it all so durn seriously

oh that wasn't all a blues traveler quote btw

"it won't mean a thing in a hundred years"

the rest was me

me: :) if i think that far ahead, i get stuck with even bigger questions about what matters, so i just try to think ahead to when i won't remember the struggle anymore.

we forget so much

and usually that really bothers me

but if i have to deal with something really unpleasant, it can be a comfort.

i won't remember the details one day. only the important things that might come out of it.

Ashley: i feel like i'm always putting out little fires

that really shouldn't have been started in the first place

but i guess there's the caretaker in me

me: right :)

Ashley: some people would probably walk right by

or not notice

 me: it's AMAZING to me how much people can not notice.

but i won't follow that tangent today.

Ashley: good call

me: heh

but since you took it to the level of the 'verse, i get to ask my doctor who question

so thanks!

Ashley: oh no!

i've never watched it!

is this final jeopardy?

i'm going to lose

me: oh, for our purposes that doesn't matter :)

Ashley: ok cool

me: although i have to tell you i think you should watch it.

Ashley: yeah i know

i will

someday

me: my real plan is to try to build a serious following in the states. right now, bbc america has been airing episodes weeks after the brits get to watch them.

so i have to watch crappy versions online.

anyway.

not important.

Ashley: i don't have cable

go on

me: so anyway. the doctor is a time lord and has this nice little machine called a tardis that can travel to any time, any place in the entire history of the universe.

TARDIS = time and relative dimension in space. not that it matters.

the question is, where would you want to go?

or when

Ashley: right, the thing that was on the dome

me: right

Ashley: i'd definitely go backwards, not forwards

i'm pretty pessimistic about the future

hmm, when would i go

maybe the '20s

not too many distractions

like we have now

me: except for people sitting on poles and having dance marathons and stuff

Ashley: yeah!

me: the fun stuff? :)

Ashley: you know in fried green tomatoes

whenever idgy and ruth lived

that would be pretty cool

i guess maybe that was a little later

i just always thought idgy was awesome

me: that's because she is.

Ashley: right

me: nice

also, now i'm really hungry, thinking about that movie.

Ashley: ah!

it is the 1920s!

according to imdb

  ^ see that's me not being able to let something go

i NEED answers

me: what did people do before the internet?

Ashley: they... fried green tomatoes?

[NOTE: THIS NEXT BIT CONTAINS FRIED GREEN TOMATOES SPOILERS.  SKIP THE GREEN TEXT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW.]

me: absolutely they did.

Ashley: also was the old lady supposed to be idgy?

me: i think yes.

Ashley: i could never figure that one out

me: in the book she isn't.

but in the movie i think yes

Ashley: she gives that little smile at the end

me: exactly.

Ashley: that suggests it

spoiler alert

!

oops too late

me: whoopssss

[OKAY IT'S SAFE AGAIN!]

but who hasn't seen fried green tomatoes?

mostly just grouchy people who don't like good movies.

i feel like.

Ashley: exactly

or, men maybe?

that's kind of a chick flick

me: it is.

hm.

i thought i might know a guy who liked it, but now i'm not sure.

Ashley: informal poll!

nick from the acre hasn't seen it

me: i guess i'll just make sure to post a spoiler alert on the blog :)

okay i think i've let us digress

can i shoot some of the short-answer questions at you?

1-2 word answers?

Ashley: sorry hang on!

actual work happening!

10 minutes after 5

this is what happens

me: hanging!

Ashley: izzy maxwell says fried green tomatoes is a great movie

matty king hasn't seen it

my friend erik who i've known forever hasn't seen the movie but he has eaten them

ok!

shoot!

short answer!

go!

hit me!

me: what makes you smile?

Ashley: my kitteh

me: what cracks you up?

Ashley: oh shoot i should have saved that one. let's see: arrested development

me: what makes you go "hmm"?

Ashley: america

me: what pisses you off?

Ashley: spelling errors

me: what freaks you out?

Ashley: lack of control

me: what makes you jump up and down and clap?

Ashley: you, and all the other awesome people i know

me: awwwwww

Ashley: seriously, i LOVE the people i love

me: okay that's magnificent.

two more questions!

Ashley: good cause i have to pee!

me: you get to pick both: one for you and one for me.

Ashley: ooh!

oh i have to pick the questions?

me: yup!

Ashley: i thought you meant you would tell me what they were and i'd assign them

man

me: also, you can pee first if you want to.

Ashley: this is way harder

ha

no that's ok, i'll wait until we're done

cause at that point i'll be packing up and getting outta here

me: gotcha

Ashley: ok wow

well, for you

you seem to emit an air of confidence and happiness

what's the secret?

before i ever knew you, back when mark was brandon and vice versa, i always thought, she seems so comfortable on stage

she's totally got it down

me: well, i only go out in public when feeling confident and happy.

Ashley: ooh that's smart

me: okay not really.

hmm.

Ashley: sometimes i go out when i feel down and sh*tty, in hopes that being out will help

sometimes it does, sometimes it makes it worse

anyway, this is your question

me: well i have managed to learn when i definitely need to stay away from people. those are generally good fried green tomato nights. :)

Ashley: ah yes

it is good to have such intuition

... it says you've entered text

so i'm waiting

me: well, as far as being onstage... i think i've always felt pretty comfortable up there.

Ashley: i hope you're not waiting on me

ok good

me: just thinking...

it's like... onstage, you have a built-in authority.

i've taught a bit in the past and it's the same thing.

meanwhile as a student in a class, my heart pounds just at the thought of raising my hand.

but when you're up front, the room or the audience is yours. somehow that dynamic just works for me.

Ashley: i understand!

i thrive in a scenario like one night band

like, when i've done something i'm proud of and want to share it

me: right

Ashley: i can get up on the stage at the middle east in front of a packed room and not even flinch

but like

put me in a meeting with strangers and i go mute

me: ugh i hate meetings with strangers.

Ashley: unless i'm smarter than them

me: totally. as far as happy goes, it really is a matter of willing it - of tapping into every ounce of hope and love i have for people and projecting that outward as much as i can.

Ashley: if i'm the expert, then i'll tell you what's what, i don't care who you are

me: exactly, you're the expert.

Ashley: but i'm not usually the expert

me: that hope/love thing has become what TBH is about for me.

a way of willing the world to be the way i think it should be.

if only for those few moments i get with people.

although my singing is hardly ever what i think it should be in loud live situations. :)

okay.

does that answer your question?

Ashley: yes!

ha

yeah

i'm still trying to figure out how to sing in loud live situations

me: let me know the secret, if you work it out.

Ashley: something really worked at the so-so's show

i've been trying to re-channel it

i think it was the whiskey

ok!

me: sound at the lizard rules.

Ashley: do you still want me to ask me something?

me: yup.

what shall i ask you?

what question are you dying to answer for the world?

(or the 20 people who read my blog)

Ashley: this is hard because i think i'm kind of an open book anyway

but, let's see

what's next?

how about that?

cause there's exciting stuff

to me anyway

me: okay!

so ash, what's next for you?

Ashley: and now i'm trying to remember

let's see

well i have a new band

one-off of course, because that's how i roll

it's for a halloween show

we're called whores at the door and we'll be doing the pixies

it's me, nick murphy from the acre, al polk from streight angular & justin shapiro from big east

me: ooooh!

Ashley: so we start practicing next weekend

we're sharing st helena's space for a couple months

and then in mid-september i'm moving in with justin in brighton

so that's exciting

getting closer to work and stuff

me: no more eastie!

Ashley: yeah

that's kind of sad for me

i do like it there

but i also have some really bad memories there

which is a tangent we won't go on

but

me: okay

Ashley: it'll be nice to leave certain memories behind

anyway

then after i move, looks like i'm going to montreal!

me: good!

Ashley: then in december (i think), there will be a benefit show that i'm co-organizing

me: for the record, i think we can all agree you've earned yourself a vacation.

Ashley: all i ever wanted...

but yeah, working on a show for december with proceeds benefitting beth israel nicu in the name of emilia diguardia

the daughter of my longtime friend & bbc contributor C.D.

we're meeting tonight actually, me and the other gals

me: that's wonderful.

Ashley: sarah korval [OF THE BACKUP FACTOR WITH WHOM TBH WILL BE PLAYING ON 9/9 AT TT'S!]and katie puzo

we've got big plans for this and i'm really excited about it

C.D. has been writing about local music for a long time and people really appreciate him

me: (we TOTALLY do)

Ashley: and are very happy to be a part of this

so i think it will be a really awesome thing for him and his wife danyelle

me: absolutely wonderful.

Ashley: they know it's in the works but we're keeping some secrets

but it's gonna be awesome

leave it at that

me: :)

well i'm sure they will appreciate it. and i hope you know how much we all appreciate what you do for your people in Boston.

Ashley: ha

i do, that's kind of what keeps me going

me: :)

you're a good soul.

Ashley: it's hard!

but i don't want to let our readers down

me: (i narrowly avoided saying "generous soul" there, which would've given me a link opportunity)

Ashley: and i consider our readers to be my friends

whether i know them or not

me: (but now i've gone and said it.)

Ashley: haha!

and i don't want to let my friends down

me: that just makes me want to hug you.

Ashley: aw, promise?

me: still: vacation is good.

oh totally.

Ashley: good

me: just sayin'

Ashley: perfect

but i do have to get going

they're wondering why i'm still here 45 minutes after the workday ended

plus i still really have to pee

me: go home!

go pee!

Ashley: ok!

me: thanks for chatting with me!

Ashley: thank you!

see you soon

xo

<3

me: ::hug::

Ashley: all that stuff

me: <3 bye

Epilogue: